The changing nature of friendships and the art of letting go
The landscape of my friendships has dramatically shifted in the last year. I’m sure it has for many others too.
It is equally wonderful and terribly painful at the same time. I grieve the loss of those no longer in my inner circle, yet feel overwhelmed with joy at the new ones entering.
I’m slowly learning how to let go of those no longer wanting my company and how to open my heart to those knocking at my door, waiting to be let in. Change is uncomfortable but necessary, and changing friendships is no exception.
This is a deeply personal musing, perhaps relatable to someone going through the same thing. I don’t write lightly on this topic but I write truthfully and from the heart.
The nature of true friendships
I’ve never been one to have a huge group of friends who flit, like birds, in and out of each others’ lives, knowing the goings on and catching up with each other regularly. I detest whatsapp groups, I’m not a fan of big group events and I’m fiercely independent.
I like to mooch about on my own, happy in my own company, spending time in nature and with animals, learning, exploring and reading. I dislike labels such as ‘introvert’ as labelling ourselves as something is all part of our ego’s identity, yet I am naturally shy and thrive far better in one-on-one engagements rather than group parties.
While I prefer quality of friends over quantity, and one-on-one time together rather than big groups, throughout my twenties I struggled with the notion that I needed to be part of a big friendship group to fit in with society’s expectations.
Socialising, meeting up and engaging with a group was what I thought was supposed to do. Yet it never felt natural to me and I rarely looked forward to these gatherings. I was always feeling guilty for not being more organised, not making a bigger effort and not being fully present and committed to the group.
While there were some occasions I enjoyed, there were many that felt draining, awkward and inauthentic. I struggled to keep up with a group that I didn’t really know how to keep up with. I always felt on the fringes, one foot in, one foot out, not quite feeling like I belonged yet also not quite knowing what other options I had.
The winds of change
We all change throughout our life. It’s a constant that is undeniable. We change jobs, we change other halves, we change haircuts, we change homes, countries and continents. Yet we are never prepared for when our friendships change. It’s just not something that’s ever spoken about.
It’s almost taboo to talk about it, or perhaps too painful to acknowlege. It’s a heavy topic, filled with sadness from those who are mysteriously defriended, or anger from those who are cut off from the friendship cord, left dangling, alone and out in the cold.
When everything happened last year, life changed considerably for me. There were many things I let go of and it really was a grief-stricken point in my life. During this unaccountably difficult time I didn’t receive the much-needed support from someone who I then called a true best friend, and it quite literally broke my heart. I couldn’t understand it.
The more I tried to wrap my head around it the more it hurt.
The sting of rejection is sharp and it has taken me nearly a year to recover from the accompanying sadness that has lingered since her quiet withdrawal from my life.
What this last year has taught us, however we interpret the events that have occurred, is which friends we’ve chosen to keep in our inner circle during this challenging time. Yet it’s not the past I want to dwell on, it’s this moment of time now, when life is slowly unfurling like a new leaf in spring, that we can begin to see, with utter clarity, the friendships we’re excited to joyously rekindle.
Attracting friends who feel like home
There’s no doubt about it, we’ve all changed, it would be impossible to stay the same after the events of the last year. I admit, I feel like a completely different person to who I was a year ago. I’ve finally shed the heavy mask of who I thought I had to be so that I could be accepted and fit in, and it’s liberating.
In this lighter state of being I have had the freedom to explore who I really am, taking the steps to find my authentic self and align to my truth, reconnecting with myself on an emotional and spiritual level to expand my awareness and raise my consciousness.
Over the past year the foundation of all I thought was real and true was razed to the ground. It sounds dramatic and it was. It’s taken time to slowly rebuild the cornerstones of my beliefs and values, but I’ve finally managed to create a vibrantly strong inner core that is virtually unrecognisable to what it once was.
It’s been a bittersweet process, the ego struggles to hold onto its identity, and I have no doubt it will keep unfolding as the years roll on. The work is never done but it’s an essential part of this life.
As a result, I have attracted the most wonderful people into my life. People who I can be my true authentic self with and fully open myself up to. Being with these people feels like being home. They are a perfect reflection of all the changes within me and I could not be more grateful for finding them when I needed them most.
I have also been pleasantly surprised at the return of some wonderful people who I have not been true friends with for a while, yet they have flowed back into my life and we have spent many unexpected yet happy moments together. I have no doubt that these friends, who have seen me at my best and my worst, will stand the test of time.
Sustainable and authentic connections
On the other side of the coin, all these changes have made it much harder to connect with certain friends who don’t choose to see the world through the same lens as I do. I feel like I’m aligned with a different vibration that is no longer open to connect with those without this similar energy.
With certain friends I can no longer relate to their lives and perhaps they can no longer relate to mine. The depth that the friendship once had now feelsmore shallow and floating along at surface level. While I completely accept these friends and who they are, the link between us is no longer fortified by common interests and points of view. It is a shell of what it once was.
Add to which, I’ve also moved my home which undoubtedly affects the circle of friends I regularily interact with. Yet, I have friends all around the UK who I rarely see but who I still hold close. Location sometimes isn’t really a factor.
My core values have shifted so dramatically in the last year that I struggle to put back on that heavy mask, hiding who I truly am or what I believe. I no longer care to sacrifice my authenticity for the sake of propping up a wilting friendship. I need supporting too and if I can’t express how I feel then how can I receive that support?
The test of any friendship is how I feel after being with that person. If I feel like I can be my true self and really share how I feel authentically, receiving support and validation in return, then I come away feeling nurtured. Which is exactly what a friendship should do. It should uplift and nourish you and when it no longer does it may be time to let it go.
Letting go and moving on
Letting go of friends who I’ve wanted to hold on to is the one of the harshest lessons I’ve learnt this past year. Yet, it has been an essential one for my growth. I can finally feel peace at the close of a friendship because I now understand that changing friendships are a natural reflection of our changing selves.
As we shift and evolve, we change our vibration, attracting in those on a similar frequency and repelling those who aren’t. It’s a forcefield around us that either keeps people at bay or welcomes them in. You can’t see it but you can certainly feel it.
I no longer take the end of a friendship personally. It is just a natural and necessary part of the process of change and growth, one that is often of great value to both parties. Letting go and moving on is so healthy.
As I mentioned earlier, the landscape of my friendships is visibly different. There are deep caverns of hurt, open fields of emptiness and lonely hills of sorrow. Yet, there are also wild meadows of opportunities and deep flourishing valleys of newness; rich and full of life.
The mantra I live by is to let what wants to come, come, and to let what wants to go, go. If you choose to leave, I will let you leave and wish you well, knowing there is a reason behind every chapter’s end and knowing there is always a new chapter waiting to begin.
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