When the healing journey hits you hard
There are some things that really catch you out in life. And, ironically, life itself is one of them.
One minute, I feel so connected to the beauty of life and all the wonderful things I’m experiencing, and the next, I feel so lonely and heartbroken that I wish I’d never been born.
While this may seem drastic and extreme to some people, I know there are also many who will deeply relate to this bewildering rollercoaster of our reality.
Of course, we are on Earth to experience the depth of emotions and to really feel all there is to feel. We’ve been given the gift of feeling, living, and breathing in this incarnation, yet for some souls, it can feel like we’re trapped here, unable to be where we really want to be; which is home.
None of these feelings make sense: the longing for home, without knowing where home is; the deep homesickness for something you’re not sure you’ve experienced; or the absolute knowing that this isn’t all there is, without having witnessed the tangible proof of it.
What I want to assure you is that you are most certainly not alone in feeling these emotions.
Feeling alone is just the experience of disconnection
I tend to work with many people on the same path as I am, which is such a blessing for both me and my clients. It reminds us that we are not alone. It often feels like we are, despite being surrounded by people, yet we most certainly are not.
This feeling of aloneness often comes from feeling misunderstood, unable to connect with people in the way society dictates. Sometimes, it’s those who wear the best masks, fooling everyone around them, who are the most lonely.
And sometimes, the loneliness is worn transparently.
What we all forget, in our moments of disconnection from God / The Universe / Source energy, is that we are all connected, whether we like it or not. All the separation is merely part of the process of being on Earth: to truly experience it and to remember that we are not separate at all.
If you, too, are on a spiritual path of emotional healing, spiritual exploration, and inner work, then you might also be going through a similar process of connection and disconnection, like a circuit of electricity zinging and zapping, as you plug in and out of this universal source energy.
What I’ve realised is that this is a completely normal process.
We cannot experience the highs of life without diving deep into the lows. And, if you are a sensitive soul with certain energies in your Soul Contract, then it’s highly likely that you’ll be feeling these highs and lows even more so than anyone else.
The painful process of awakening
Another huge feeling that comes up time and time again, for both me and my clients, is nostalgia.
It’s so easy to look back on the past with rose-tinted glasses, thinking that life was better back then. Back when these emotional ups and downs didn’t exist. Back when we didn’t experience the depth of emotions we couldn’t even imagine we were capable of. Back when we were in a state of ignorance and denial about our reality.
Ignorance surely seemed like bliss after the events of 2020 that shook half the world awake and sent the other half into even deeper spasms of fear and dissonance.
It really was a deeply traumatic experience to wake up during these events. I have no doubt that many of us who were pulled out of unconsciousness, kicking and screaming into the harsh light of our new reality, wished to be left sleeping peacefully, blissfully unaware of the paradoxes of this wretched and beautiful world.
Yet, that was not to be.
Unlike in The Matrix, where Neo wakes up to a world that is physically ugly, with no nature, no daylight, and no beauty, we woke up to a world where the ugliness lay within humanity, under the façade of beauty, which was even harder to comprehend.
It may seem easy to think that life was better when we were young and unaware of the true nature of our existence. I remember the golden years of parties, ski seasons, travelling, and having fun, yet I conveniently forget how much richer life is now, not just for me, but for you too.
The widening gap of consciousness
Our lives are richer because of the love we’ve experienced, richer because of the deep knowing of ourselves, richer because of the experiences that have created such alchemy within us, and richer due to the powerful and activating path we’ve found ourselves on.
Life is a blessing once we realise how empowered we truly are. And that realisation only comes when we start walking down this road and truly engage with life.
Yet, before we get there, we need to embrace the emotions that cannot come with us into the higher states of consciousness that we are journeying into.
When we start doing the inner work, we begin to raise our vibration. So, imagine having heavy weights, tied with rope, to our body. When we begin to rise, those weights stay on the surface and the strings pull taught; meaning that we really begin to feel the heaviness of what we’ve been carrying around for so long.
It’s almost as if we have to cut them loose in order to grow, which is why they can feel so unbearably heavy. There is a reason people say it is darkest before the dawn; our emotional stuff feels the heaviest at the point right before we release it.
If you feel overwhelmed with emotional stress, wounding or trauma that seems to be endlessly rising to the surface, remember that you’re feeling it because the rope is pulled taught and you’re at a point of tension and release.
You’re no longer meant to carry it with you and your soul is urging you to let it go.
Numbing out from the emotional healing process
Sometimes, however, we don’t want to engage, and without even being conscious of it, we numb ourselves from taking the next step.
This often takes the form of self-sabotage, disconnecting us from what’s really going on inside. This could look like using food, TV, work, fitness, spiritual practices (yes, those too), or anything else to avoid coming to a place of stillness where things that want to be felt and acknowledged can be expressed.
For me, I tend to be skipping along in life, flying high on the coat-tails of something or another, only to find myself splat landing after dropping into a hole I didn’t even know was there. This hole is usually some kind of healing crisis that is ultimately ready to pop.
On an emotional level, there are usually signs that something is ready to release, which my ego doesn’t want to come to terms with.
It may feel like slight depression, restlessness, or an anxiousness that I just can’t quite put my finger on. It may also show up as emotions trying to leak out; feeling snappy and irritated at the smallest things, or finding myself crying when watching a sad movie.
Likewise, Spirit may try to get our attention by shaking things up on a physical level. This could look like physical stress on the body, such as an illness or injury. This is especially the case for those of us in real resistance to finding balance in our lives.
We call it burnout, but it’s really just a case of complete disconnection from our emotions and our body’s intelligence. We are not just a mind and a body; we are a mind within every cell of our body. Our intelligence is within the cellular structure of the physical. As Dr Gabor Maté so eloquently says, “the body keeps the score.”
Even more: it runs the whole game.
Letting go of what’s ready to release
Everything densifies on the physical plane, which means our spiritual disconnection filters down into emotional distress - fear, distrust, anger, grief - which then filters down into our physical body, where it sits and waits to be released.
If we don’t release our emotional stress and leave it buried for months or years, it’s highly likely we will suffer physically, whether from chronic illness, disease, or injury.
When we try to do, do, do, rather than be, be, be (and we are human beings, not human doings), as part of the grand distraction from our spiritual awakening, we can be hit with both physical and emotional symptoms to try and re-engage us with what’s really going on.
Which is what I experienced this weekend.
My eyes puffed up (a lovely new symptom I started getting last year when in a state of stress) and I felt a uneasy feeling sitting inside me, without understanding what it was or why it was there.
And it always happens on a weekend because I stop working. So, when a bleak Sunday rolls out in front of me, my ego knows this is the space my soul has been waiting for, and it does anything it can to distract me.
“Watch TV,” it says. “Go for a walk,” it says. “Do some writing,” it says. “Fill, fill, fill your time,” it says.
And when I stop doing these things to numb the uneasy feeling within me? Splat. I land in the hole. Luckily, I have the beautiful tool of Divine Healing, which I can use to guide me through releasing what’s ready to come out.
This time, it was grief so deep and so painful that I had a flashback (a pretty rare thing for me) to a life where I drowned and witnessed my family drowning in front of me, which required a huge amount of shock and trauma release work to clear.
An hour later, the uneasiness had gone, and I felt more like myself, albeit slightly shocked at the level of grief that had exited my body so recently.
It’s not an easy journey we’ve chosen to embark on, but I promise you it is a rich and rewarding one. And although you may feel, at times, lonely, scared, and grief-stricken, it really does pass.
Don’t fear the emotions that are ready to come out. Let them release rather than numbing them, which I know feels like the easier and safer option. But it truly is remarkable how light your soul can feel once you clear out what no longer serves you, as I just did tonight.
And, if you need any support on your healing journey, I’m right here.
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