Three Classic Ego Behaviors That Hold You Back
Most of us are aware that we sabotage ourselves, get stuck in comparison and struggle with procrastination, but do we know why we do these things?
This is what I’m going to explore in this blog post - unweaving and untangling the knots within the subconscious so we can gain a better understanding of why we do what we do.
I’ll also be exploring how we can move through these limiting behaviours that hold us back, so we can start to thrive on the other side. As I always say, everything changes on the outside when we begin to understand the what’s going on inside of us, which is the true magic of this work.
What is the ego and its role in our life?
The first thing I want to dive into is how to define the ego and its role in our lives.
There are many different ways of understanding what the ego means - from an esoteric and spiritual perspective, the ego is often seen as the aspect of consciousness that creates a sense of separation, individuality, and identity in our material world.
It is seemingly the part of us that forms attachments to personal stories, labels, and external validation, shaping how we perceive ourselves in relation to others. In other words, it is like a container for our identity, holding all of our stories, memories and beliefs.
And as soon as we realise that we are not separate, then the illusion of the ego - the container that holds our programming - dissolves as we come into unity.
I like to see the ego like a metaphorical glass ceiling of consciousness. It is put in place, as part of the construct of our human nature, to keep us in a state of limited awakening. We can’t see it’s there, and so we operate under the illusion that we are in control.
The beauty of understanding the ego is that we realise that it is not something to be feared or punished and it is not anything we can attach form to, it’s just is part of our mechanics that we can eventually learn to re-wire and re-tune.
We are not here to beat the ego, we are merely here to wake up to its existence in our life and to see where it is keeping us stuck,. Only then, can we can gracefully move through, with heightened awareness of how it is driving our life, and take back command.
No. 1 Self-sabotage
The first ego behaviour that tends to trip us up and get in the way of us living a more expansive and empowered life is self-sabotage.
We are all aware how we self-sabotage in our lives - perhaps we’d rather stay on the sofa with a glass of wine rather than go out for a run after work, which is a sabotage around reaching our fitness goals. Maybe we choose to cancel plans rather than risk not enjoying ourselves, which is a sabotage around having new experiences.
But there are far deeper self-sabotaging behaviours that are more potent and active within us that we’re not always aware are operating under the surface. The ones that stop us from having loving and meaningful relationships. The ones that stop us from following our dreams and getting our ideas out into the world.
And, of course, the ones that block us from really reaching our fullest potential of health, wellbeing and joy.
Imagine that you are sailing a boat on a deep, blue ocean. You are steering and navigating, thinking you are in control, yet there are deep currents flowing below you that are pulling the boat in other directions.
Think of this deep ocean as the container for your ego - it is made up of layers and layers of memories, past traumas, incidences and occurrences, conditioning and programming from parents and society.
This is what drives this self-sabotage energy.
Learning to believe in yourself
When we self-sabotage we are essentially blocking ourselves from the things that we know will create momentum, expansion, love and joy in our lives. We don’t apply for the job, we don’t make it to the gym, we don’t follow up with that email. It’s all in these tiny details and decisions.
The reason for this is two-fold. The first is that we are scared, and we all know that fear can create absolutely huge barriers that can stop us from doing something. The second is that we often don’t feel worthy of what we want, and this lack of self-worth is the core driver of our self-sabotaging behaviours.
A good example is my boyfriend who is a musician. He is incredibly talented and I am so proud of him, yet he has this little habit of not quite going after the things that could make him even more successful.
It is a lack of self-belief that holds him back and it plays out in this self-sabotage, which is why we are building that foundation of self-worth to help him achieve his dreams.
When we build the foundation of our self-worth, these self-sabotaging behaviours start to lose their power. A book I highly recommend is It’s Not About Self-Esteem: Why Self-Worth Is the Key to Success, which explains a simple model to build self-worth and emotional resilience.
No. 2 Comparison
The second ego behavior that can really hold us back is when we get stuck in comparison.
I’ve written a huge amount about comparison because it’s something that I can really struggle with. While we all know that comparison can be detrimental to our confidence, what we sometimes don’t realise is quite how sneaky comparison is.
Comparison can operate in the background of our minds without us quite fully being aware of it, which is what makes it such a negative energy that can really hold us back.
We also need to be aware of how varied our comparison can be, which is what I recently posted a video about. We all know the obvious comparison that can come from seeing people on social media in all of their supposed perfection, success and confidence.
But what can be equally dangerous is comparing ourselves to the closer people in our lives - it could be that we compare ourselves with our siblings (something that I can definitely say I have experienced). We all want the attention, love and respect of our parents, which is where this element of comparison and competition can come through, sometimes it’s only subtle, and sometimes it takes up more energy.
We can also compare ourselves to our peers, our friends and what society expects of us at different stages of our lives. As a woman in her mid-thirties, there is a level of expectation of marriage, babies and settling down. Or as a man in his forties who is expected to be established in his line of work and able to provide for his family.
These are outdated examples built on traditional family values, but they are also so ingrained in our society that it can feel hard to stop that comparison creeping in when we don’t reach these conditioned expectations.
How to free yourself from comparison
When we get stuck in comparison we tend to go into a period of reflection on our lives, often dropping into the past and wondering if we made the right choices. When we come into this questioning energy of asking ourselves whether we’re content with what we have or whether we should have gone down a different path, it completely devalues our life in the present moment.
This only serves to keep us stuck in melancholy, spiraling us downwards into questioning the validity of our existence, as well as the very essence of who we are.
When we compare ourselves and our lives to others, we are pulling all of our beautiful energy and attention away from the beauty of what we have created for ourselves. This is why we need to start recognising what is creating this energy in our lives and to gently remove ourselves from its source.
For me, this means taking a big step away from social media so I can spend more time doing the things that I love, such as writing and building on my own vision and goals.
We know that we all have our own unique paths, but questioning the path you’re on, the pace you’re walking, and the views along the way only serves to slow you down as you stop to question it all. We all know that comparison erodes self-worth but it also erodes your momentum.
Keep walking - stop and enjoy the view but don’t turn back.
No. 3 Procrastination
The third ego behaviour that can really hold us back is procrastination.
Procrastination can sometimes be mistaken for self-sabotage but they are slightly different. We’ve been told that when we don’t do something we need to then we’re lazy. This has been the understanding of procrastination for a long time.
Yet, the truth is that it’s often fear that stops us from doing the things we need to do and skirting around them in avoidance. While laziness can play a part, it’s a completely different energy and not one that we need to go into today.
Examples of procrastination are really easy to identify because we all do them. For example, I put off doing my tax return until a few weeks before the deadline. This wasn’t due to being disorganised, I had all the dates in my diary. It also wasn’t to do with not wanting to do it, I actually quite like the process.
Instead, the fear is actually around handling and managing money. This is something that I feel really deeply and my fear is around doing it wrong, making a mistake, dealing with the accountants, calling HMRC, facing up to the money I’ve made (or not made) and all the money I probably owe, as well as all of the baggage of emotions that comes alongside this.
This is why I avoided doing my tax return, not because of laziness.
How to move through fear
When we start to reformat in our minds what procrastination really is we can begin to create a little more compassion for ourselves. What is the fear that is keeping us from doing the thing that we need to do and how can we begin to move through it?
There are two ways which are extremely simple, yet powerful, to move through fear and break through procrastination and these are talking about the fear and taking action against the fear.
Fear likes to hide in the deep recesses of our minds, creating shadow monsters that don’t even exist, for fear is only in our future imaginations. Which is why we need to shine a line on fear, and the best way to do this is to take someone in there with you.
Whether it’s talking to a friend, family member or a stranger, share the burden of your fear and you will feel such relief and lightness afterwards. Then, you can start to take a small action against it.
This action doesn’t have to be big, it just needs to be something.
With my fear of doing my tax return I could have actually just scheduled in 30 minutes to look at my spreadsheets. I didn’t need to book the whole day - far too overwhelming - just a short time to step into it and step out again was all I needed to see that it wasn’t that scary at all.
Often, it’s when we start something that the fear starts to fade away.
We all struggle with self-sabotage, comparison and procrastination, because we’re all human and all learning along the way. The most important thing to remember, when we realise what ego behaviours are tripping us up, is that it’s ok. Once we have the awareness of the behaviours that are subtly undermining us, we can gently start to uproot them, and if you need any help I’m here to support you.
If you’d like to explore how to uncover and release self-sabotage, comparison and procrastination in a gentle but powerful way, I offer one-to-one Divine Healing sessions. I also offer monthly group healing in my membership Your Authentic Soul to bring gentle awareness to what’s going on under the surface.
