Why Perfectionism, Overthinking and Self-Doubt Hold Us Back (and How to Shift them)

When perfectionism, overthinking and self-doubt collide

Perfectionism, overthinking and self-doubt are, without a doubt, the most challenging combination that holds us back and keeps us from moving forwards in our life, whether it be our work, our relationships, our spiritual growth, or anything in-between.

Which is exactly why I wanted to write about them.

I also found myself, not so long ago, stuck in the paralysing loop of these three emotional states - so much so that I found myself chanting “it’s ok to relax, it’s ok to relax, it’s ok to relax” over and over as I washed the dishes.

It all started after I found myself dithering over what I should be doing, overthinking it all completely. So much so, that I ended up just spinning around in circles, in my house as well as in my mind, completely in a quicksand of tumbling thoughts that had me unable to make a decision and unable to calm my overactive mind.

And I know I’m not alone in getting into these states (and many others such as procrastination, comparison and self-sabotage), which is exactly why I wanted to write about them.

After my enlightening moment of chanting I went outside, bought myself some crisps and humous and parked myself in front of my laptop to get this stuff off my chest. Because really, making a decision, such as staying in and writing, instead of going to the gym, or working out, or cleaning the house, or one of the other million other things I had on my possible list of to-do’s, was just what I needed to do.

I’d also add that writing is one of the most effective ways to bring ourselves out of the mind and back into the reality of the moment. The mind tends to spin us in multiple directions, causing us to completely lose our grounding and all-needed sense of perspective, which is why we need to do all that we can to bring ourselves out of it.

So here we are, discussing perfectionism, overthinking and self-doubt.

If, like me, you find yourself at the mercy of one, or all three, of these states of being, know that you’re not alone and that they are just part of the human experience. And on that note, let’s dive in and dissect what they’re all about, and more importantly, how we can begin to shift out of them and into a lighter and more joyful expression of our being.

Beyond the label of perfectionism

I don’t like labels, such as saying ‘I’m a perfectionist” or “I have anxiety” because when we say these things with our words, we make them more manifest than they actually are. After all, it’s our thoughts that create words, that create actions, that create our reality, so we have to be a little careful.

In truth, these are just states of being which come, and go.

We don’t overthink all the time and we certainly aren’t perfectionists in all areas of our life. Each human being on this earth is a wondrous mix of uniqueness. We are layers of our past, our programming, our cultural conditioning, our families, our ancestral heritage, our past lives, our parallel lives, our Soul Contract energies, and so much more.

We are also dreams, ideas, imagination and love, so we cannot define ourselves by these limiting labels.

I wouldn’t call myself a perfectionist, but I would say that I can go through phases of being ‘over-committed ‘ to a project, whether it’s cleaning the house or creating something on my website, so much so that I come out of balance and forget to see the bigger picture. I forget to come up for air.

Perfectionism has its roots in our desire to prove ourselves. And so when we try to make everything perfect, it’s often due to a fear of vulnerability, judgement and criticism, which can prod our painful wounds of low self-worth.

So we perfect in order to avoid feeling this depth.

Perfectionism and the fear of not being enough

I once heard that the world has a self-worth problem, and nothing could be more accurate.

We are all on earth to remember where we came from and who we truly are. Yet when we descended from the twelfth dimension of pure Source energy, all the way down to the third dimension of our physical reality, we also dropped in consciousness and forgot our truth. This is all part of the game of separation that we agreed to play, but it doesn’t make our time on earth any less gnarly.

Part of our work here is remembering: remembering who we are and the embodiment of I AM. Not “I am worthy” or “I am enough” because even in these statements we are still trying to prove ourselves. Instead, it’s just “I AM”.

When we get stuck in a state of perfectionism, just remember that it’s reminding us to recognise that we don’t have to be perfect for anyone or anything. There is no one we need to prove ourselves to.

Perfectionism comes when we don’t trust in this truth. It’s an emotional state of fear that locks us into this driving exhaustion of doing, where we completely forget that our worth isn’t in our doing, but in our being.

This is the big trick of life - it whispers to us that the more we do, the more we become, yet it is in the leaning back to the state of being present with ourselves and what’s happening, that we are truly in the flow of life.

So, you find yourself stuck in cycles of pushing yourself too hard due to an inner driving need to do it all perfectly, take a moment to find out who it is that you’re trying to prove yourself to. More often than not, it’s our parents, our bosses, our partners, our God, and also ourselves.

Perfectionism is only hiding a fear of not being ‘good enough’, so once you tap into that, you can follow the roots of your story and start to loosen the reins and find the kinder, more compassionate voice within you.

The endless loop of overthinking explained

We all overthink. In fact, I think we think up to a whooping 60,000 thoughts a day. Welcome to the world of overthinking.

First of all, there’s nothing wrong with thinking and technically ‘overthinking’ isn’t really a real thing, so let me rephrase it. One of the problems many of us struggle with, is the constant loop of thinking where we can’t come to a conclusion or decision. And perhaps, the thoughts we do have are overly centered on the negative, the past, the future and the uncontrollable factors in our life, instead of focusing on the positive, the present moment, and the potential.

The reason overthinking becomes such a problem is when it stops us from taking action and committing to a decision.

While we don’t want to leap into impulsive decisions without giving it proper thought, we also don’t want to stall ourselves to the point where we become paralysed in indecision and can’t do anything at all. The trick with coming out of overthinking and into a decision-making frame of mind is about coming back into the body.

We all live in our heads, on our phones, through screens, on apps, and rarely do we get a moment to breathe and just feel present in what’s happening in the moment.

The benefits of coming into the present moment is in coming into our bodies. Our bodies contain all the wisdom, yet we rarely give ourselves a break from the constant bombardment of life, to just let ourselves feel into what the next best choice is for us to make.

There are some really heady numbers in the Soul Contract work that tend to stay stuck in the mental body, overthinking and overanalysing, and these are the 5-5, 8-8 and 7-7 energies, and I’m thrilled to share that I have all of these numbers in my Soul Contract.

If you also have some of these numbers in your chart (and you can check it out here) then you may also feel a little stuck sometimes in the ‘thinking’ rather than the ‘feeling’. When this happens, the mind is in a kind of overdrive - spinning, calculating and processing, rather than focusing on what actually feels best in the moment.

Overthinking as the mind’s way of keeping us safe

The only purpose of overthinking is to try and keep ourselves safe. That’s all it is. It’s a way for our mind to rationalise and analyse all the probable and not so probable possibilities and outcomes, which it then presents to us to make a choice with. The problem is, we don’t do well when we have a lot of choices.

There is a fabulous book called the Paradox of Choice that I remember reading many moons ago, all about how we struggle to choose when we’re overloaded with options, and nothing could be more true. When we’re stuck in overthinking, all we need to do is make a choice of what our next step is, then make it again, and again.

And as we do this process, an important thing we need to know is that there are no wrong decisions. Or right ones. In fact, there’s no such thing in either. While we can make decisions from a place of higher consciousness, rather than the base ego needs, ultimately, there is truly no right or wrong decision.

Each decision we make comes with ‘goodies and baddies’ and so whatever we choose will have positives and negatives consequences.

I made the choice tonight to eat crisps and write. I could have gone to the gym, had a walk, watched a film, read my book, worked on a project. All of those choices would have worked out, and when I take the pressure off myself of making the “right choice” then that’s exactly when my overthinking mind calms down.

Self-doubt and the search for self-worth

Ok, I’ve definitely saved the best till last, but in a way I’ve already spoken about self-doubt, because it’s really about our self-worth.

But what I will add to what I’ve already written is that self-doubt is also one of the biggest blocks in all of our lives. It stops us from trying, it dissuades us from putting ourselves out there, and it keeps us stuck in circumstances and situations that we no longer want to be in.

We all struggle with self-doubt, some more than others, and it’s a really tiring thing to deal with because there’s really no one that can tell us otherwise. We may think we need approval or recognition from our parents, partners, clients or bosses to overcome this self-doubt, but this only supports us on a superficial level.

When we receive validation, praise, positive feedback, adoration, or anything else, from people, it only serves to strengthen the cord that feeds our self-esteem, which is all about what we do. Say we play a tennis match, and win, we receive a standing ovation of applause, a trophy and a nice winner’s check. This recognition and reward feeds our self-esteem.

Yet, say we broke our elbow and could no longer play tennis. We no longer receive the applause, trophy or check, and effectively we have nothing to feed our self-esteem. Which is when we go downhill.

What I’m trying to illustrate here is that we all need the bedrock of our self-worth to sustain us through our life. We cannot depend on what we do to create this foundation of worth, because what happens if we can no longer do it or meet that demand? Instead of linking our value to what we can ‘do’, we need to learn to link our value to who we can ‘be’, because who we are can never be taken away from us.

We are inherently worthy just by being born. And if we are kind, generous, thoughtful and loving, no one can take that away from us. It is the foundation of our worth and we have no need for any external forces to support that belief.

This is true freedom and one of the hardest challenges of life. And when we get stuck in self-doubt it brings this challenge up to the surface every time.

Moving beyond self-doubt with courage and love

Everyone always tells us to believe in ourselves, yet this is much easier said than done. And it requires taking a little risk, which for those of us who are a little risk-averse, is a really uncomfortable thing to do.

The thing is, if we don’t back ourselves, who will? It may take a lifetime, or more, to fully understand the precious beauty and divinity of our being, yet in the meantime we have to start learning how to support ourselves from within, because no one is going to do it for us.

And this is when the risk-taking comes in.

We don’t know how things will always pan out, and we’re not meant to. This is part of our extraordinary experience on earth. So, when we hold ourselves back from trying something new, or putting ourselves out there, or believing in our ability to do something, we’re just falling into the trap of trying to keep ourselves safe.

This is why we have the ego - not only does it serve as a barrier of consciousness, but it’s there to hold us in the illusion of safety, and therefore limitation.

There is nothing more terrifying for all of us than the idea of showing ourselves and our gifts to the world. The risk of judgement, ridicule, shame, and exclusion are all hugely powerful motivators to stay in the lines, stay safe and stay protected.

And while the saying ‘everything worth doing lies on the other side of fear’ can feel too simplistic to describe how deeply this fear can hold us back, it does contain the truth that we have to take that little risk into the unknown in order to reap the rewards.

If we let self-doubt hold us back, then we are letting the fear win. And if there’s anything that we’re here to learn in this lifetime, then it’s about love, and its ability to help us transcend who we have been into who we have the potential to become.

Go forth. Be brave. Have courage. I’m right there with you.

If you’d like support and guidance on your spiritual and emotional healing journey, you may like to book a Soul Contract Reading, book a Divine Healing session, or sign up to my newsletter to stay in touch for more similar posts.

---

Carry on exploring