The Subtle Signs of Emotional Abuse

Three years ago I wrote an article about the subtle signs of emotional abuse.

I didn’t share it on my blog here because it felt too personal. After all, it was about my own experience of a relationship that felt too vulnerable to put out into the world. I wrote the article just a week after I left that relationship, while it was still raw and I could still remember all the twists and turns of what had transpired.

But, it’s been three years since then, and I’ve noticed more and more people in similar situations, who feel as confused, drained, lost and alone as I was.

Human relationships are complex things, and when we’re so deep in a situation with someone, whether it’s a partner, friend, colleague or family member, we can rarely gain a clear perspective on what’s truly going on.

What’s more, emotionally abusive relationships create isolation, meaning we lose the people we once had as our sounding blocks, to help us get a read on what’s really going on.

So, whether you stumble upon this post by accident, or are drawn to understanding what your gut feeling might be trying to tell you, I hope this is helpful, for you, or perhaps for someone else that you may come across in the future.

The shame that keeps us trapped in emotional abuse

The reason I initially didn’t share the article I wrote three years ago was mainly because I still thought I was wrong.

Despite everything that had happened over the 6 months of this relationship, I still thought I had somehow gotten it wrong, made a mountain out of a molehill, overexaggerated, and made too much of a fuss.

This is something a lot of us do - we hate to be a burden, make a fuss or cause a scene - so we tend to keep things wrapped up tight, where they don’t spill out causing any shame or embarrassment. And this is a big part of why we stay in unhealthy relationships - the shame.

Emotional abuse is a very shifty thing. It’s hard to pin down, hard to define. Physical abuse is more tangible because we can see the marks on the physical body, but emotional abuse wears us down in invisible ways, making us believe that it’s not even happening.

This is why so many of us stay trapped in emotionally abusive relationships. We doubt ourselves because there’s no tangible proof of anything amiss. And what’s more, we are often in a situation with someone who is a master of manipulation.

Gaslighting and emotional manipulation

We’ve all heard of the term ‘gaslighting’, where an abuser makes their victim purposely confused, causing them to lose trust in themselves, and place it with the abuser instead. This is exactly what they’re so good at - making us doubt ourselves.

They spin us around in circles with arguments that have no end and no beginning, wearing us down until we have no energy left and just give in, admitting we did something wrong, when we did nothing at all.

They make a huge deal out of an insignificant situation, making you think that you believe that you’ve got things the wrong way around. By doing this, they make you question yourself, your values and beliefs - again, eroding another layer of your self-trust.

The shame grows from these repeating situations, arguments and gaslighting, where we begin to doubt ourselves, feeling that we’re somehow ‘in the wrong’ that we’ve done something ‘bad’. What's more, the emotional abuser plays on the soft heartstrings of our emotions, pulling on the strings of guilt through their own manipulative words.

For a long time, I thought I was the problem, that I was getting it wrong all the time, that I was causing all the issues. This is part of their plot.

I also tend to see the best in people, and so out of the two choices, I would also choose to see the best in them, and the worst in me, because I thought that perhaps I was the lesser person, and this relationship was just showing me all of my faults - my selfishness, my irresponsibility, my unkindness.

I now realise, with hindsight and clarity, that I am none of these things. In the healthy and loving relationships I am in now, I am the best, most vibrant version of myself. This comes from the safety and non-judgment that I have with the person I am with.

And the difference between who I am now, versus the version of who I was three years ago, is absolutely astounding.

The nature of emotional abuse

I have had many different conversations with people; friends, clients and strangers, who have all had similar experiences, and so I know what kind of people tend to be drawn into these webs.

Quite often, those who find themselves in these kinds of emotionally abusive situations, are gentle, sensitive people with big hearts, who tend to see the best in others.

In the Soul Contract system it might be that they have the 5-5 energy which is very sensitive and here to learn to assert themselves and stand up for their truth. It could be that the 11-2 energy is also present, which is all about gaining perspective and coming out of the cycle of making the same mistakes over and over.

Or perhaps there’s some disempowerment from the 9-9s, sensitivity and issues with boundaries from the 8-8s, whatever the numbers are, there is always a unique story in each person’s chart.

They are perhaps on their own journey of self-worth, building confidence in who they are and what they can offer the world. It can also be that they might have been through a lot of their own trauma, whether from childhood or something more recent, and are still in a process of recovery and healing, which is often a very vulnerable state.

More often than not, there is always a sense of isolation, that becomes greater and greater the more the emotional abuse grows in a relationship. I remember feeling alone at the start of the relationship I was in but by the end it was far worse.

You can read all the details in the original article here, but by the end I was unable to socialise, feeling distanced from my family, and feeling very trapped in something that I just couldn’t figure out. I knew I wasn’t feeling good but I just didn’t know why.

Emotional abuse and sensitive souls

Part of the reason we become so blinded in these situations is to do with the rollercoaster nature of these relationships. They go up, they go down, and they spin us around until we’re so dizzy and disorientated our inner compass, of what’s good and true versus what’s unhealthy and manipulative, is all back to front and wonky.

This is called the cycle of abuse, where it’s all going well and everything is loving, then it goes badly, resulting in the silent treatment, moods, or hurtful arguments, followed by the loving stage again, followed by the argumentative, moody, withdrawn.

This is an incredibly disruptive and traumatising cycle for sensitive souls to be trapped in.

Sensitive people feel the emotions and moods of others incredibly deeply, whether we realise it or not, so of course we’re going to feel the building stress that causes us to walk on eggshells. Of course we’re going to respond by trying to appease that mood in any way we can to shift the unbearable tension. Of course we’re going to apologise, make ourselves smaller or blame ourselves, when things get too uncomfortable.

This is the art of emotional abuse - it’s all to do with manipulating someone’s emotional response to something that the abuser wants.

They want you to feel guilty, that’s more power for them. They want you to feel like you’ve done something wrong, it will make it easier for them to hold it over you. They want you to feel uneasy and second-guess their moods, that will make you question yourself even more.

And for those who are sensitive to other people’s emotions, who see the best in others, and hate discord and tension, we unwittingly give them everything they’re looking for.

Sensitivity is a strength, it is a superpower, and I don’t want anyone reading this to think otherwise.

We just have to tune that sensitivity into ourselves to connect with what is good for us and what isn’t. We need to listen to our inner world, not the outer world, to gauge what’s really happening, and only then will we be able to see the truth for our situation for what it really is.

Emotional abuse is a real thing

I remember feeling that I was walking through fog in the days after walking away from my relationship.

It felt surreal, confusing and completely strange - almost like I was waking up from a dream but I don’t remember going to sleep. I had never heard of emotional abuse before, it wasn’t common knowledge, wasn’t something I was taught about (of course) and so I had to teach myself.

So I began reading, and I couldn’t stop.

After trawling the internet and reading article after article, from real-life stories, psychologists, women’s magazines and reddit posts, I finally began to understand what I had just emerged from. And not only that, but how very lucky I was to have left when I did.

Abuse is a sliding scale that cannot be labelled, measured or placed in set conditions. There is the extreme end, and the less extreme end, and many, many variations along the way. As I said earlier, emotionally abusive situations are extremely hard to define, which means that many of us stay in them for far too long, not understanding what we’re living through or how to define it.

The different types of emotional abuse

And it’s not just romantic relationships or marriages where this type of abuse happens.

It also happens within the family, from parents to children, and from children to parents, between siblings, with bosses, colleagues, situation-ships and also with so-called friends. This makes it even harder to create separation from the abuser. In a relationship, we can leave, but how do we leave family?

The thing to remember is this - if you’ve read this far and feel that perhaps this is ringing a bell for you, it doesn’t matter who the emotional abuser is, they are not good for you. You need to create space from them in order to sever their hold on you.

Because believe me, they will do everything they can to reestablish that trauma bond and bring you back under their control.

If you are someone dealing with an emotionally abusive family member and struggling to justify how you can walk away, know this. You are not abandoning them, you are choosing to create distance to protect yourself.

Family relationships are the hardest to deal with because we’re always told that ‘blood is thicker than water’, that you can never betray your family, that family are the ‘only thing you can depend on’.

I will counter that by saying that family are some of the worst offenders who will play on those emotions, guilt tripping you into believing that you somehow owe them, that you have to support them, and you can’t walk away, because you’re family.

I know it’s complex, but abuse is abuse. And you don’t deserve it. No one does.

The trauma bond of emotional abuse

One of the biggest reasons why we stay in emotionally abusive situations is because of this trauma bond.

We become bonded to the abuser though the highs and lows of the relationship: the arguments, the making up, the arguments again etc. This does funny things to our brain chemistry, and I remember the huge bond I felt with this person that made it feel almost impossible not to go back to them, even months and months after the relationship ended.

It was a test of will power that I really didn’t know I had.

There’s also the guilt that makes us feel as though we can’t abandon them, that they need us and if we leave we would be the worst possible people. This is a really big one for a lot of us because it plays on a core belief that many of us have that we aren’t good people, and that if we leave someone who needs us, that would only confirm it.

We often fall into these situations out of a sense of wanting to help.

Yet, what starts out as giving, loving and supportive, becomes twisted into something where we can’t even think about leaving because it might hurt them. Even in emotionally abusive relationships there is love, but it’s often entwined with this trauma bond, making things very complicated and confusing.

I love them but something feels wrong. They love me but they’re shouting at me. I feel anxious and fearful around them and their moods, but they love me. They are punishing me with their words and silence, but they love me.

You can see how dangerously confusing it is. Especially when the emotional abuse starts after some time, when we’ve already established a relationship, friendship or connection that’s so far felt normal, healthy and happy. The abuse always starts later, meaning that we constantly refer back to the version of that person, forever waiting for them to come back, knowing that that’s who they have the potential to be.

And we wait, and wait and wait.

Don’t ignore the warning signs of your gut feeling

If there’s been a little bell that’s been ringing since you’ve been reading this, a little nudge from deep within that’s making you feel a bit upset and you’re not sure why, I want to encourage you to keep exploring what may be happening for you.

It’s not normal to be in a relationship with someone where you feel scared.
It’s not normal to be in a relationship with someone where you feel nervous or anxious of their moods.
It’s not normal to be in a relationship with someone where you walk on eggshells around them.
It’s not normal to be in a relationship where there is control, manipulation or coercion.
It’s not normal to be in a relationship where you are isolated with just that one person, and cut off from friends or family.
It’s not normal to be in a relationship where you are not in control of your finances.
It’s not normal to be in a relationship where you are not doing things that make you happy, because they don’t like it.
It’s not normal to be in a relationship where you have to run every thing by them, and if you don’t, they get angry.

I could go on and on, but I think you get the idea. There’s also signs from the body that alerts us to when something is wrong but our mind just hasn’t caught up yet.

I remember having the worst stomach when I was living with this person, like my bowels just couldn’t handle the stress I was in. I was run down, anxious and nervous in his presence. So much so that I started swallowing and having to clear my throat before I spoke.

I got bloated and tingly all around my solar plexus (the chakra related to our personal power) and I cried easily, all the time, not realising why.

None of this indicates I was in a healthy or happy situation. Yet, when we’re so deeply in it, we cannot see the truth. And because emotional abusers do their best to isolate you from family and friends, through arguments and many other manipulative tactics, they become your only point of reference, further isolating you.

Emotional abuse is subtle, so subtle that we don’t even know it’s happening, which is why seeking support is crucial, whether it’s from friends or family who you know have your best interests in heart, or a professional. Here are some resources below that I hope are helpful for anyone in this situation.

https://www.thehotline.org/resources/what-is-emotional-abuse/
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/am-i-experiencing-domestic-abuse/
https://tinybuddha.com/hub/love-relationships/abuse/
https://www.simplypsychology.org/signs-of-emotional-abuse.html

If you’d like support and guidance on your spiritual and emotional healing journey, you may like to book a Soul Contract Reading, book a Divine Healing session, or sign up to my newsletter to stay in touch for more similar posts.

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Carry on exploring