How to Recognise (and Walk Away From) Emotional Manipulators

In my work with clients, I often see the same theme arise: someone close to them, a partner, a family member, sometimes even a colleague, slowly chips away at their sense of self.

It’s subtle, confusing, and painful, and because emotional manipulation can be hard to recognise, many people stay in these cycles far longer than they want to.

I believe that there are a huge number of us who have someone like this in our lives. Someone who sucks the joy out of us, jangles at our nervous systems and emotionally manipulates us to get their way.

So, how do we deal with people like this in our lives, especially when we don’t like confrontation and don’t feel brave enough yet to stand up for ourselves?

This post is here to help you see the patterns more clearly, and begin to take steps to reclaim your own energy, so you can wave goodbye to the people who don’t light up your life.

Emotional manipulators and boundaries

When our sense of self-worth feels shaky, it can be harder to hold clear limits with others. This can leave us vulnerable to people who slowly, often very subtly, push past what feels safe for us.

It’s rarely obvious in the beginning. Instead, it’s a gradual process, a little comment here, a small invasion of space there, so subtle that you might question if you’re imagining it. By the time you notice what’s really happening, you may already feel worn down, uncertain of yourself, and unsure how to respond.

This is often made even harder when the person is someone close to us, a partner, family member, or friend. Because we care for them, we might make excuses for their behaviour or turn the blame inward: “Maybe it’s something I did?”

That self-doubt keeps us stuck, trying harder to smooth things over, bending ourselves into knots to avoid the uncomfortable tension they can create with silence, moodiness, or criticism.

It’s only with time and awareness that we begin to see the pattern for what it is: not our fault, but a form of emotional manipulation.

Emotional manipulators have a need to control others

People who manipulate emotionally are often deeply unsettled within themselves. When they see your joy, your light, or your sense of wellbeing, it can feel threatening to them, because in that state you are free, and no longer under their influence.

For many, control becomes a way of creating a false sense of safety.

They may have felt powerless or unsafe in the past, and somewhere along the way they learned that controlling others helps them feel more secure. Over time, this need for control can become a pattern that seeps into their closest relationships.

Understanding this doesn’t mean we excuse their behaviour or minimise the impact it has. It simply helps us see the dynamic more clearly: their attempts to control are about their own unmet needs, not a reflection of your worth. And once you can see it in this way, it becomes easier to step back, and to begin reclaiming your own energy and choice.

Why emotional manipulators seek control

At the root of manipulation is often an unsettled inner world. When someone sees your joy, light, or ease, it can highlight the parts of themselves they feel disconnected from. For them, control becomes a way to feel safer, more certain, or more powerful, especially if they’ve known times in the past where life felt chaotic or out of control.

This doesn’t excuse the behaviour, but it does help us understand it: their need to control comes from their own unhealed pain, not from any failing on your part. And when we see it through that lens, it becomes easier to gently step back and remember that their behaviour is about them, not about us.

How they affect our emotions

Emotional manipulation can show up in many forms, from the obvious, like narcissistic traits or draining “energy vampire” behaviour, to the quieter, more unconscious ways someone might use guilt, criticism, or withdrawal to maintain control.

What’s so striking is how common these dynamics are, and how deeply they can impact us. You might notice irritation rising, a sign that your boundaries are being crossed. More often, though, fear takes centre stage: fear of their moods, fear of doing the “wrong” thing, fear of the atmosphere that hangs heavy in the room.

These emotions aren’t random, they’re signals from within, guiding you to pay attention. The challenge is that when we’re caught in the cycle, it can feel so confusing and personal that we don’t always recognise it for what it is.

These are what I call the subtle signs of emotional abuse that can often get lost in the noise and chaos of these difficult relationships.

Why are emotional manipulators, energy vampires and narcissists attracted to us?

We all carry certain energies through our Soul Contract.

Our Soul Contract is a way to understand who we are on the deepest level - why we’ve experienced certain challenges, how to work through anything that is keeping us blocked from recognising and working with our unique gifts and talents, as well as giving us a clearer picture of what our soul is wanting us to achieve in this lifetime.

There are certain energies that we have in our Soul Contract that attracts these emotional manipulators - but this isn’t to do with blaming ourselves. Instead, it’s about seeking to understand the patterns that are drawing them to us, so we can begin to overcome them.

Essentially we are all playing a game, and the people we are in conflict with are playing a role with us, that we both signed up to. There is no space for blame or judgement here, only compassion and understanding for ourselves.

If we have the strong energies of 9-9, 18-9 or 10-1 energies in our chart we may attract people who seek to disempower us - this is to teach us to step back into our power, without fear and without resistance.

A huge part of this is also about using our power wisely. We can either do what has been done to us, or we can change the pattern of disempowerment and discover our freedom.

Boundaries and assertiveness in our Soul Contract

If we have the equally strong energies of 5-5 or 14-5, we are here to learn to speak up and assert ourselves, even though it feels terrifying.

Interestingly enough, this is why we may attract abusive situations - they are there to teach us to use the true wonder and power of our voice so speak up for ourselves ad what we believe to be true.

And lastly, you may have the energies of 17-8 or 8-8 which is all about stepping out of a peace-keeping role where we feel the need to save and support everyone (often at a great personal sacrifice to ourselves) and learn to let go of needing to look after everyone around us.

The 8 energy is very empathetic, and because of this we are often deeply affected by the moods of others, which causes us to try and keep the peace.

This makes us perfect targets for emotional manipulators, energy vampires and narcissists who know we’ll do anything we can to keep people around us happy, even if we’re not happy ourselves.

How fear and guilt can keep us tied in

One of the hardest parts of being around an emotional manipulator is the way they can stir up fear and guilt. You may notice yourself tensing before you see them, anticipating an unpleasant interaction or a shift in atmosphere. Sometimes it’s a frosty silence, nitpicking over small things, or subtle remarks that leave you questioning if you’ve done something wrong.

Our minds naturally search for rational explanations, so it’s easy to slip into self-blame: “Maybe I upset them? Maybe it’s something I did?” But the truth is, their behaviour says more about what they’re struggling with than it does about you. Still, that doesn’t make the impact on you any less real.

Many people also notice their body responding long before their mind can make sense of what’s happening. A tightening in the stomach, a knot in the solar plexus, or a feeling of being on edge are all signs from the nervous system that boundaries are being crossed. This is your body’s way of alerting you that something doesn’t feel safe.

The more time we spend in these dynamics, the more drained and unsettled our nervous systems can become, wired to pick up on even the smallest change in mood or atmosphere. That’s why learning to notice these patterns, and gently turning your focus back toward your own wellbeing, is such a powerful step.

Beginning to reclaim your energy

It takes huge courage to begin to walking away from someone who you know doesn’t have your best interests at heart.

Walking away from manipulation doesn’t always have to mean dramatic confrontations or explosive endings. Often, it begins with the quieter practice of letting go: releasing the need to please, releasing the need for their approval, and gently reclaiming your own sense of self.

When you begin to disentangle yourself from an emotional manipulator, it’s natural that they may respond with silence, distance, or a frosty atmosphere. But here’s the thing: you don’t have to keep trying to fix it.

This process isn’t easy, it can feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you’ve spent a long time giving your energy away. But with patience and compassion for yourself, every small step makes a difference. Over time, their hold on you loosens, and your own clarity and strength begin to return.

It doesn’t matter if they don’t fully understand you, what matters is that you begin to understand yourself, and what you need to feel safe, respected, and at ease.

Their behaviour is a reflection of their own struggles, not a measure of your worth. The moment you stop giving away your energy in the hope that they will change, you begin to reclaim your own power.

And please remember this: you have done nothing wrong. You are allowed to choose yourself, to step back, and to surround yourself with people who can meet you with the love and respect you deserve.

If you’d like support and guidance on your spiritual and emotional healing journey, you may like to book a Soul Contract Reading, explore one-to-one Divine Healing sessions, or sign up to my newsletter to stay in touch for more similar posts.

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Carry on exploring