13 Irrational Fears That Hold Me Back

I write so many posts about the Soul Contract work, that sometimes I like to bring it back to myself, and back to reality.

Writing is joyful for me - it’s where I can carve out some peace and express myself in a way that feels just open enough, without feeling too exposed. While Instagram still feels a little too vulnerable, writing here feels so much easier and lighter, because I know that the people reading my posts are the ones who are meant to find them.

We all have fears because we’re all human, but sometimes it’s easier to show the shiny showcase of who we are, rather than the soft underbelly that we all have. I love to help people feel more at home with who they are - more accepting, loving and compassionate of all the supposed flaws, because this to me, is pure freedom.

And what’s more freeing than airing your fears and getting them all out in the open? Fear is something that thrives when we keep it locked away and hidden. We believe that by pushing it down, and keeping it out of sight, we become somehow free of it.

Yet fear always has a way to invade our peace. Fear breeds low-level anxiety. Fear creates self-sabotage and stops us from doing the things we want to do. Fear is the thing that we don’t want to share, or speak up about, not realising that sharing our fears is often the very thing that sets them free.

I was making a cup of coffee this morning when the idea dropped into my head to write about my 13 most irrational fears so, of course, I had to sit down at my laptop and follow through. I hope by sharing them, you can also start to tune into your own fears holding you back - the rational ones as well as the irrational ones.

No. 1 I fear riding my bike

This is a strange one, but bear with me. These fears are all meant to be a little strange and a little irrational.

I used to love cycling, and when I lived in London in my twenties I used to cycle everywhere. There was no freer feeling for me. Cycling was the thing that made me feel so alive. Even when I moved out of London, I used to tear around the countryside on my roadbike, building strength and getting a nice tan in the summer.

Cycling got me out of the house, out of my mind, and into focus, where all that existed was the road ahead, the music beating through my headphones and the sights and sounds of nature all around me. So, why did I stop?

When we think about our fears, they always reveal themselves to us. Yet, sometimes we don’t pay attention because the reasons can feel so ridiculous. And for me, the reason I fear riding my bike is I’m scared I’ll get a puncture and I won’t know how to fix it.

It sounds so silly. Mainly because I do know how to fix a flat tire, though I’m probably a bit rusty.

The thing with fear though, is that it often has layers. So it’s not just about breaking down or getting a puncture, it’s the helplessness of being stranded, it’s the fear of losing my precious time, it’s the fear of not being able to help myself.

Fear is always more than surface level, so dig deeper and see what comes up when you scratch beneath the surface. It’s never about just having a puncture for me, it’s about the fear of being helpless, stranded and alone.

No. 2 I fear putting the heating on

While our fears are always connected to a future probability, or a ‘what-if’ scenario that plays over and over in our minds, fear itself is often bred from the past. More specifically, a past experience or traumatic event that happened to us.

The reason I fear putting the heating on has its roots from when I moved into my first flat, living all by myself, in Cambridge. I moved in right after the New Year and was grappling with seriously cold weather, an old-fashioned storage heater and hot water system that ran on electricity, and getting new heating bills set up.

And as a result, I ended up being hit with huge bills, out of the blue, that I struggled to pay. I had electricity companies sending me letters that I owed them hundreds of pounds, and this went on for months.

This is all part of my learning process around managing money with my 12-3s in my Soul Contract, which is all to do with self-worth and abundance, but it was a deeply stressful period that had a knock on effect to every winter season since.

I’m scared to put the heating on because I’m scared of giant bills that I might not be able to pay. This is an essential survival fear because if I can’t pay my bills, I will lose my home, and that is a deep fear that sits in the body until it’s released.

I know I have work to do to clear the trauma of this period, but once I clear the irrational fear around keeping myself and my home warm, which is what I know I deserve, the fear will gently start to lift.

No. 3 I fear drinking alcohol and becoming addicted

While this is most definitely an irrational fear, it’s one that has a little more of a complicated history that probably takes up too much space than this post will allow.

I recently shared a video all about the typical energies in the Soul Contract system that are linked to addiction, and so it’s in the back of my mind at the moment.

I’ve always had a slightly hairy relationship with alcohol, which eventually ended up in giving it up completely for 5 whole years, until just last Christmas when I decided to start drinking again.

My relationship with alcohol is vastly different than what it was 6 years ago - I know this in my rational mind - but my irrational fear is that I’ll somehow slide into addiction without realising. I was never addicted to alcohol, I just used to drink too much, too quickly, from nerves. I also absolutely hate feeling drunk and so even now I’ll only have a glass or two.

Sometimes our fears have this way of poking at our most tender places, which is exactly what this fear is doing. I know, in my heart, that this isn’t a possibility, but as it’s been a vulnerability in the past, this is a weak area for the fear to come in and take root.

No. 4 I fear karma will come and get me

This fear recently came up when I was talking to my mum, who I have a very close relationship with.

Both of us shared that because we’d been so lucky in life, we worried that perhaps there was some bad karma due and it was going to serve us a whole load of bad luck. Perhaps this is a more common fear than I first thought, because I know we can all get that ‘survivor's guilt’ from being dealt a fortunate hand compared to others.

I feel so lucky in life, for a million different reasons, and so does my mum, but the fear of what might happen to balance the scales is one that hovers in the periphery.

This is an irrational fear because I know that life doesn’t work this way. It doesn’t give and take, it only responds to energy. I also reminded my mum that life hasn’t all been sunshine and rainbows - it isn’t for anyone - and all we can do is be grateful for what we have and keep living and enjoying life as best we can.

Everyone’s path on earth is different - the experience one soul has will be vastly different from another’s, and we need to come to peace with that. Our lives aren’t meant to match, they aren’t meant to be the same.

And for all the love, joy and luck that we have in this lifetime, I know there will have been other lifetimes when that hasn’t been the case. This fear serves to remind me to keep leaning back and enjoying what I have in the moment.

No. 5 I fear I’m secretly really unwell and won’t know until it’s too late

This is something that I imagine everyone must feel at some point or another.

I’m not a hypochondriac by any measure. In fact, I’d say I lean the other way. I’m so overly relaxed about my health, to the point where I never get check ups, I never get screenings (despite all the letters they send me), and if I feel a bit off, or a bit strange, I just put it down to something that will pass.

I also lean towards the understanding that a lot of physical dis-ease comes from emotional stress and trauma, as well as spiritual disconnection.

Also, while I have respect for my body, though I know I could probably treat it a little better, I don’t have respect for the western medical establishment. My belief in western medicine crumbled into nothing in 2020, and so I choose not to engage with it as best I can.

At the same time, I still have this underlying fear that maybe there’s something really wrong with me that I won’t know about because I’m not being checked.

There’s a lot of media scare tactics and fear-mongering out there in the world, especially about cancer and other dis-ease, which I do my very best to ignore, but some of it still seeps in.

No. 6 I fear I’ll burn the house down

I’m sure I’m not alone in this one.

I have a feeling this is linked to OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) that I have a little bit of - not so much now but certainly when I was younger. And from the amount of Instagram reels I’ve seen from people joking about triple checking the straighteners are turned off and the doors are locked, I know this is something that affects a lot of people.

While this fear is irrational, because I go around double checking that the lights, candles and ovens are always all turned off, this fear sometimes feels a little out of my control.

Even now, with my nice sparkly fairy lights around the windows, I’m scared there’ll be an electrical malfunction and a fuse will blow and it will be all my fault because I brought the cheap fairy lights.

This fear got so bad that when I rented out my house last summer to a subtenant, I found myself, in the middle of the night in Turkey, wondering if the fire alarms were working and what would happen if she wasn’t as diligent as I was about turning appliances off.

This is a fear I know is just one that sits in the background, and because it’s so irrational, and I’m so careful, I’m ok with it.

No. 7 I fear Google crashing

Nearly all of my clients find me through Google, so the idea of Google no longer functioning, or crashing, literally fills me with horror.

My fear is not just about Google not working, but about people no longer using it to search. My mind spins around with the thought that maybe people will just start using ChatGPT and AI, and Google will become redundant.

This fear isn’t a standalone one because it’s linked to something else. I know I need to broaden my marketing to ensure people find me from other places, but I still feel under-confident and unsure of myself when it comes to using anything else.

My website is my baby, my blog pages are my comfort blanket, and everything else seems a little more intimidating to me.

Writing blog posts, which is how most people find me via Google, is comfortable, easy and safe. So, when this fear pops up, it forces me to think about all the ways I need to improve and step up, and this feels scary and overwhelming. Essentially, I’m firmly in my safe zone and this fear is prodding me to step out of it.

So, while the fear is irrational, it brings up some deeper fears around worthiness and visibility that I’m still working on.

No. 8 I fear doing things in the day

This is a bit of a strange one, but hear me out.

I grew up in a very conditioned way, like most of us do. I saw my dad leave for work every morning in his suit and tie, and come home at the end of the day after a long day in the office.

And by the time I got to secondary school, which was a boarding school, the rigidity of a schedule was firmly set, with each day regimented and planned, even Saturdays, from 8am to 9pm.

Following on from there was the corporate world of work and offices, schedules and meetings. While I know this is normal for most of us in the world, when I left that world and starting doing things a bit differently, including the work I’m doing now, everything felt a bit confusing for me.

Even now, years and years later, I still feel guilty when I don’t work enough during the day. I normally start my days at 8am and finish at 6 or 7pm because I just don’t feel like I’m allowed to stop. And as for the idea of doing something non-work related during the day, forget about it!

What I recognise is that my conditioning has dug in so deep that I’m not allowing myself fluidity and flexibility in my working week. While I know there is no one watching me, monitoring the hours I’ve worked, or judging me for not working hard enough, it’s a deeply internal programme that breeds this fear.

I know this is a huge part of my 12-3 Soul Contract programming which is about learning to slow down, find balance and feel worthy, it’s much easier said than done.

No. 9 I fear getting too involved with other people

Now I know this one stems from all the karmic 8-8 energies in my Soul Contract which is all about feeling connected to others and learning to feel safe and boundaried with my energy.

While this fear is irrational, it’s much more complex that it appears on the surface, and so I try to be quite gentle with myself when it comes up.

I’ve always found friendships a little tricky to navigate, and the fear around getting too involved comes from the feeling that if I integrate myself too deeply in a friendship or a group, I won’t be able to get out and escape.

Maybe this is why so many of my friends live far away from me.

Those 8 energies are all about commitment, and so when we have them show up in a chart, we can either be too clingy and over-committed, or deeply unwilling to commit, whether it’s to a person, a job or a place. It’s why I’ve moved around so much in my life, not just where I live but all the different jobs I’ve had and friendships I’ve been a part of.

I know that it’s always safe for me to say ‘no’ and walk away whenever something no longer feels best for me. At the same time, I recognise how this fear keeps me disconnected from people, tricking me into thinking I’ll be safer at a distance.

But it does mean I miss out on that human connection - which is why it’s something I’m always working on.

No. 10 I fear I’ll become redundant

Now, I know I’m not alone in this one.

AI is advancing at such a rapid pace that one of my deepest irrational fears is that I, and the work that I do, will be replaced. I know the fear is irrational because in my rational mind I am confident in the fact that we will always need human connection, especially when diving into such delicate and deep matters of the heart and the soul.

The work I do; from healing in Divine Healing sessions, awareness in the Soul Contract work, and awakening in Lightbody, is absolutely irreplaceable by a non-human hand.

AI doesn’t have a soul, or any consciousness at all, apart from its own. It’s a part of this planet’s reality, but it’s not of this planet, meaning that we need to be very careful with it. It also means that it can never touch upon what I do, because the work I do is helping to connect us to Source, and AI has no connection to Source at all.

However, the reason this fear is still in my energy fields is because of the speed at which it’s advancing.

As a millennial I’ve come through it all; the birth of the internet, the rise of Facebook and Instagram, the development of mobile phones, the development of Skype and then Zoom, and now ChatGPT and other AI models.

But the speed at which AI is advancing is the fastest thing of them all, and this is what gives me a little trepidation of fear and unease.

No. 11 I fear I’ll never live up to my potential

As much as fear is about things that may happen in the future, fear can also be connected to what may not happen in the future.

I know this is an irrational fear because potential is an intangible thing. There’s no such thing as a set level that I have to reach in this lifetime in order to succeed, but the fear is still there nonetheless.

The fear exists in my mind because I’m always striving to be the best possible version of myself, and the more we try and compete with ourselves, the more we lose. Usually, we think comparison with others is what we need to be wary of, but it’s also comparison with ourselves that we need to be conscious of.

I’m always reminding my clients of their absolute wholeness, divinity and perfection, but I so rarely say these words to myself. Sometimes, it just feels easier to give than to receive, which is why giving to myself feels so much more challenging.

More than anything, this fear is about not being able to meet my own expectations that I set so heavily on my shoulders. But what I forget, and what we all forget, is that I’ve already surpassed them.

When I slow down, stop doing, and sit with myself, I am so proud of who I am. Not just for everything I’ve accomplished, but for the version of myself that has emerged as a result. So, I know that this fear is irrational and I’m working on kicking its butt.

No. 12 I fear I owe money

Three things recently came for me that brought up a lot of fear and anxiety.

The first one was a trip to the dentist for a filling - a process with a drill that I found absolutely unbearable. My palms have never been so clammy, and the bill at the end also gave me a fright.

The second was my car going in for its MOT, which is always a hit or miss as to whether it will pass or fail. This time, it failed, and I wasn’t surprised. So the fear was around how much the repairs were going to cost to fix it. And finally, it was my tax return.

I know we all hate taxes, but I really hate them. We’re taxed on absolutely everything in this lifetime, and this antiquated, repressive, punishing, miserable system that was created hundreds of years ago to fund wars, needs to be abolished.

That being said, I still pay my taxes as early as possible because I’m terrified I’ll somehow forget to pay something - a different tax, or a business tax I wasn’t aware of.

Interestingly, this fear manifested (as our fears can often do when we put too much thought, truth and feeling into them) with a letter recently that told me I owed hundreds of pounds for a past building tax from a property I rented several years ago.

However, despite this being one of my biggest fears materialising, I didn’t panic, and instead I let them know that I thought they’d made a mistake - and they had! So, nothing was owed and the fear took a back seat.

See, sometimes the universe tests us. All we have to do is to stay calm, stay logical, and know that it will always work itself out.

No. 13 I fear I’ll damage someone through my work

Finally, we’ve made it to the last fear on the list!

The last fear I have is around my clients, and one I feel many of us might recognise.

When we work with people, we are taking on the responsibility of their wellbeing that they are entrusting to us. In the work I do, even though sessions are remote and not even in-person, they are just as powerful, if not more so. My fear is around somehow creating damage within a client that I can’t undo, which again, is completely irrational because we can’t hurt others without the initial intent to harm them.

My intention for all of my clients and sessions is that they receive exactly what they need to. My heart is always full of love for those who I work with, who have placed their trust in me, and I respect that.

The fear of unintentionally doing damage - whether it’s through pushing a client too hard to connect emotionally, or bringing up a trauma that is too destabilising - comes up because this work is powerful, and with power comes great responsibility.

Working in integrity is of the utmost importance for me, but I also recognise that human error can creep in when the ego gets out of control, which is why I do so much healing work on myself.

Fears aren’t always bad, sometimes they are needed, in small doses, to help us access deeper awareness of who we are and how we operate in the world. So, I thank this fear for keeping me aligned in my integrity, knowing that my intentions are always pure.

What are your irrational fears?

Fear cannot hold us down, unless we let it, and I firmly believe that there are two ways to transmute fear - we need to share it and bring it out of hiding, and we need to take positive action towards it.

Another powerful ways to process fear is to really allow ourselves to feel where it resides in our body. I firmly believe that what we can feel, we can heal, and so part of this process is allowing the fear to come up and feel it for what it is.

Fear cannot hurt us, but it can keep us stuck and limited. We all deserve to feel free, so I encourage you to start slowly facing into your fears, in the best way you know how, and see what happens on the other side.

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Carry on exploring