The Honest Truth About the Messy Middle of Healing

Healing isn’t always pretty.

It’s a little bit gritty, a little bit intense and very overwhelming at times.

This is exactly how I’m feeling right now - overwhelmed, over-emotional and very over-tired. To be fair, I’ve had a frantic few years of chunky, big stuff coming up and whacking me in the face (well, that’s what it feels like). Alongside lots of training, steep learning curves - or should I say ‘healing curves’ - that have run me a little bit ragged.

As someone with the energy of 5 and 8 in my Soul Contract, it can feel too easy to think, analyse and intellectually dissect how I’m feeling, without actually going into the feeling, pain and emotions.

These energies can keep me stuck trying to avoid my feelings, which only prolongs the emotional waves that I’m trying to keep at bay.

And this, I guess, is really how healing works - constant waves, then lulls, then waves again. And it can feel pretty tiring and intense, trying to keep your head above the water, to the point where you just want to scream out “I’m tired - give me a break already!”.

Or, at least, teach me how to surf.

I know I’m not alone in feeling this way, which is why I wanted to shine a light on the reality of this healing journey, and how we could all do with giving ourselves a little more love and compassion as we blindly fumble our way through what can feel like an endless ocean.

The mirror of the soul where healing really begins

Healing is confrontational - there’s no two ways about it.

It forces you to look into yourself and come to terms with who you are. This, in itself, can feel pretty intense. We’re all so used to looking at ourselves in a mirror - seeing our reflection, our bodies, our faces, our outward appearance that we show to the world.

Yet healing peels back that physical layer, to the energies swirling under the surface that make up who we are, and it makes us look, acknowledge and love what we see there.

For me, healing isn’t about fixing the holes that we perceive are there. Instead, it’s about leaning into, embracing, and accepting who we truly are - the good, the bad and the ugly. It’s not about trying to change the past, but about learning to let go of its hold on us.

The reason healing can feel so painful, is that we’re learning to let go of things that we believe make us who we are. Who are we, once we let go of our belief systems, programming and trauma? This is the risk that we’re being asked to take.

The reason so many people disengage from their emotional and spiritual healing journey is through the fear of what may be on the other side of letting go. It’s the great unknown.

I experienced this very recently on my Lightbody training where I was confronted with the fear of dying. And this wasn’t some abstract fear, it was purposely and intentionally rising up within me to be recognised. This was a fear of death, the great void, the light of God spearing me with its presence and deeming me utterly unworthy.

There is also the deep terror of looking into that mirror and seeing the truth of what’s really there. Our shadow is part of us, yet it can be almost unbearable to bear witness to. And we would rather do anything than face up to the shame of our existence that we hold at our core.

Shame is the emotion that we will all do almost anything to avoid - which is why healing can feel so painful. We are all just trying to avoid feeling this shame. And fear. And grief. This is why the healing journey feels so painful - we are all, on many subtle levels, trying to resist feeling.

And as we all know, what we resist tends to come back stronger and brighter, until we have no choice but to face it.

The emotional whiplash of healing and growth

The healing journey can also be a deeply destabilising one, where we reach moments of not knowing which way is up, which way is down, and where the hell we’re even going.

From my experience, I’ll be happily skipping through life, feeling safe, content and happy with my work, my place in the world, my relationships, and then I’ll have a session, or a training, or a process, and ‘POOF’ everything will feel rocky.

What I felt happy and content with before, now feels misaligned, wrong and unsatisfying. And this is exhausting. There is this constant whiplash between my fear pulling me back and my desire pulling me forward. Not to mention my soul pulling up in one direction and my ego pulling me down in the other.

It’s like being at a center point being pulled in four directions - and perhaps this is why they call it the crossroads.

A good example of this is a few months ago where I felt so content with my work, my clients, and the path I was on. Enter the month of May (which, has always, along with November, been my most catalytic month) and now I’m out the other side, everything feels funky and weird and strange.

I recently let go of some part-time work that felt like too much, especially on top of my other part-time work and client work, and was creating a huge amount of resentment simmering within me, which felt like a really, really good decision.

In the aftermath I felt so calm, so spacious and so thrilled with the idea of having more time to write, more time to share videos and enjoy my summer.

Now, in the reality of this spaciousness, and after a deeply powerful healing in May, I feel completely lost. The time I anticipated having is now spent feeling anxious, unsettled and confused. The creativity I wanted to lean into, now feels disjointed and disconnected.

I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing, and it feels terrifying. And in this fear I do only one thing - I freeze.

Instead of nourishing myself, mind, body and soul, I surface-level support myself. Instead of giving myself Divine Healing sessions, I watch TV. Instead of walks in the sunshine and fresh air, I lounge about inside reeling restless and listless. Instead of fueling myself with good food, I drink wine and eat pasta.

At the same time, I know I put a lot of pressure on myself (hello perfectionism, my old friend). And maybe, just maybe, what I can give myself is what I need right now.

And this is where we can all get so tripped up in the emotional healing journey. It’s our own expectations of how we should or shouldn’t feel that often keeps us trapped in a cage of our own making.

Is it not ok for me to feel a bit lost? Is it not ok for me to need some time to recuperate without rushing into the next thing? Is it not ok for me to sit with this fear and tenderly let myself unthaw?

I acknowledge that I released some huge things these past few weeks (and really, it’s been months and years of massive shifts) - I’m talking about the deepest, darkest, meatiest programmes that have kept me stuck for so long. This moment in time is surely where I need to show myself some mercy, some compassion and some love.

Yet, ironically, this feels like the hardest thing of all.

The unfolding path that takes where you’re meant to go

The interesting thing I notice is that the more you work on letting go, healing and releasing the programmes, past life scars, trauma, limiting beliefs, and everything in-between, the more wants to come up to be addressed.

This is why healing can feel never-ending, especially when we have that added incentive of the soul driving us forwards, which can feel utterly relentless, like “when do I get to actually enjoy life?”.

There is a Divine reason for this - as we heal ourselves, we heal the world. Every little shift we make within our own beings, gets sent backwards in our timeline, as well as forwards. It spreads into our ancestral line, our parental lineage, our progeny. It touches every aspect of our lives, including every person we’ve even met, or will ever meet.

The truth of our reality is that it is wildly multidimensional. This is sometimes too much for me to really get my head around, but there it is. We live a vast, unlimited existence that spans realities, dimensions, timelines and galaxies.

Nothing about us is simple.

And if you’re on a similar path to me, while it may feel like we’re stuck on a merry-go-round of healing that feels like it’s only serving to keep us going around in never-ending circles, we’re actually doing incredibly powerful work that is already having a massive impact on the world.

As we forge a path, we clear the way for others to follow in our footsteps.

But this is the work that can feel so tiring, so unrewarding and so lonely. Like chopping your way through a dense jungle path. It’s sweaty and relentless.

When we go through intense healing, we often don’t see the tangible results immediately. This is why healing sessions cannot be marketed. There is no proof. There are no immediate results. There is only the shifting, awakening and activating within each of us that we can only recognise once we look back at who we once were.

This is the moment when we reach the other side of the jungle and look back and how far we have come, how many are also walking on our path, and the view that awaits us on the other side.

There is no finish line in this life, only death. And so there is also no finish line in healing. It is an evolutionary process that takes courage, patience and a whole heap of love.

Every human being on this planet is on a healing journey in their own way, and we all need support and love along the way, from ourselves and from those around us.

This life doesn’t always feel smooth, easy or light. It can feel tiring, endless and confusing. If you feel like that too, please know that you’re not alone. This is part of the great cosmic joke of our reality. We are here to awaken and evolve. We are also here to embrace ourselves and our true nature, which can feel, quite honestly, messy and painful.

But as we journey our way through, there are moments of stillness, sunlight, joy and beauty. And really, this is what living is all about.

If you’d like support and guidance on your spiritual and emotional healing journey, you may like to book a Soul Contract Reading, book a Divine Healing session, or sign up to my newsletter to stay in touch for more similar posts.

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Carry on exploring