3 Ways We Self-Sabotage (and What They Really Mean)
I recently wrote a Soul Contract guide about how different numbers in the Soul Contract system tend to self-sabotage. And it got me thinking of all the different ways I sabotage myself in life, which aren’t that different from the three examples I’ve shared below.
So, I thought I’d share 3 of the most common ways we all self-sabotage - why we do it and where it comes from - so we can all feel a little less alone as we navigate this wild and wonderful life.
And that’s really the whole point of this - although it may feel like everyone around us is doing life better than us, nothing could be further from the truth. We are all deeply human and deeply imperfect. None of us really know what we’re doing, and none of us are immune to self-sabotage.
When we let go of our comparison - the belief everyone else has it all figured out - we can begin to come out of separation, and recognise that most of us are dealing with the same day-to-day struggles. And self-sabotage is absolutely no exception.
The beautiful thing is, that as we let go of the judgement and comparison within ourselves, we can begin to soften our judgement and comparison with others too. It’s this inner peace, that we have the power to curate within us, that creates peace in our outer reality, leading to a far more graceful and aligned way of being.
So, let’s dive into 3 common patterns of self-sabotage that we can all easily get stuck in.
Why we self-sabotage success
Most of us can recognise that we’re scared of failure, but can we acknowledge that there may also be a fear of success as well? I believe both a fear of success, as well as a fear of failure, keep us in self-sabotaging loops and patterns that feel almost impossible to break.
A fear of failure, and the shame and judgement that comes with it, is often the hardest thing to imagine enduring. What we perceive as failure, whatever that may be, carries the cultural conditioning that to fail is a deep disappointment, not only to ourselves and the potential we know we have inside of ourselves, but to our parents, to society, and ultimately, to God.
We are raised and conditioned to always do our best, to try our hardest and to succeed at any cost. We are taught to push ourselves in order to reach the standards that are imposed upon us. Yet, failure has always been mis-labelled.
Failure may be understood on the surface as an inability to reach a specific goal, but failure underneath the surface is really about how we handle not reaching that goal. It’s never about the achievement, but the emotional impact of not reaching it, and how we weather it within.
It’s this emotional impact that we fear to face, and so we try to avoid failure at all costs. And the way we avoid it, is by not trying or attempting it in the first place. This is why we avoid starting - so we don’t have to face the possibility of failure.
How we define success
And the self-sabotage to success is just as common, but much more subtle. On the surface, we all want to be successful - but success has a different definition for all of us - and until we define it, success will always be elusive for us.
If we believe that success means more visibility, and we have not worked through our issues and fears around being seen and external judgement that comes along with that, we will unconsciously sabotage success.
If we believe success means more work and being busier, and we have past trauma around overwhelm and burnout, we will unconsciously sabotage success. If we believe success means more money, but we haven’t reconciled our self-worth to believe we are worthy of receiving abundance, then we will absolutely, and unconsciously, sabotage success.
So, if we have a fear of failure, we need to pinpoint who we fear failing, and what emotions failure brings up in us that we cannot face. And if we have a fear of success, we need to define what success means to us, and the subconscious beliefs we hold around it.
Why we self-sabotage love
As someone who used to shy away from emotional connection, and still sometimes does, I know how deep this one goes.
Self-sabotage in love and relationships, especially new ones, isn’t something that’s easy to identify, yet it can always be seen when we look at the pattern of how we’ve loved, or not loved, in relationships.
I didn’t have a proper romantic relationship until I was 26 years old, and I honestly thought there was something deeply wrong with me. Sure, I’d had casual flings here and there with people, but I had longed for love, with all of my heart, whilst being absolutely terrified of committing to one person for the rest of my life and losing my independence and freedom.
This carried on until I met a Kinesiologist who helped me see, and release, a block around feeling worthy of love, which came out from the very depths of my being, in a session - to my absolute shock and surprise, with much tears and laughter. To my delight, I met my boyfriend a few weeks after, and for the next 3 years, I was in a wonderful and loving relationship.
But this is how self-sabotage works - it lives and breathes under the surface of our reality, and we don’t even know it’s there. I knew I wasn’t very confident, but I didn’t think I was unworthy of love, it had never crossed my mind, until it came up with such harrowing pain, that I realised I had been living with it my whole life.
Knowing ourselves as love
We are here on earth to get intimately acquainted with ourselves, and romantic relationships are one of the surest way to know the essence of life itself - which is, of course, love.
We are here to know ourselves as love, and so of course there is resistance to that. We sabotage relationships, during them and before we’re even in them, in order to keep ourselves contained, safe and protected. It’s about trust, but it’s also about love - letting someone see the deepest and darkest parts of us, and knowing that all of us, the good, the bad and the ugly, are still worthy of that love.
When we’re scared of all of us being seen in this way, we will often sabotage a new relationship by unconsciously pushing someone away, believing the lies we tell ourselves that we would be better off on our own.
At the same time, we all bear the pain and scars of love lost, love never found, and abandoned love, which also all serve to keep us sabotaging someone else getting close to our tender hearts. Self-sabotaging patterns relating to past trauma and hurt may look like not putting ourselves out there to meet someone, not giving people a chance to get close and get to know us, and the fierce guarding of our independence through our words and actions.
We need to be so soft, gentle and compassionate with the hurt parts of us, knowing that one day we will be able to fully open the gates to our heart, and someone will treat us with the tenderness and care we deserve.
Why we self-sabotage love health and wellbeing
Now I’m sure this is one all of us can relate to.
Our health and wellbeing covers all manner of things. Of course, there’s our external appearance, including our weight and size. Then there’s also our internal health and keeping ourselves balanced and symptom-free in a world that constantly challenges us to free from illness and dis-ease.
Self-sabotage when it comes to our health and wellbeing, is usually very unique for each person, though there is one common theme that links it all together. If we are sick, ill, unhealthy, overweight, experiencing any sort of symptoms, or anything in-between, and we want to get better, there is usually a fear of letting go.
For example, when we are sick, there is usually a piece of our identity that’s attached to that. We may fear who we could be without it, and how the world could treat us. For many of us, there is often a secondary gain to being sick or ill, which is to do with receiving attention, love, care and support that we may not otherwise receive if we weren’t ill or sick.
I’m not talking about serious dis-ease here, which has much bigger emotional root cause entangled within its origins, but the crutch of secondary gain that we wouldn’t otherwise receive - whether it’s sympathy, empathy or having someone else supporting us physically or emotionally.
Taking emotional care of ourselves
Another common self-sabotage around our health and wellness, alongside our identity and secondary gain of illness, is avoidance of facing the deeper emotional pains within, that are seeking a way to be noticed through the physical body.
Symptoms aren’t random, they are specific ways the body tries to communicate with us, and when we ignore them, they tend to stick around, or get worse. When we self-sabotage our health, we are often in denial of there being a deeper emotional wound that needs our love and attention.
I’d also add that for many of us, we tend to put on weight to feel safe and grounded. The reason we self-sabotage losing weight and working out is that we subconsciously don’t want to lose that layer of protection and safety that keeps us rooted and protected.
There are many reasons why we sabotage our wellbeing, health and fitness - too many to write down in this article - yet maybe there’s some food for thought here. I know within myself that I self-sabotage fitness due to the fear of pushing myself too much and exhausting my body (which is something that happened to me many times in my twenties).
At the same time, I also self-sabotage healing my body from within, because I’m scared of who I’d be without the health issues I’ve always struggled with. And honestly, at the core of it all, I know that my symptoms are my excuse - an excuse to hide behind and an excuse to blame when I don’t reach what I set out to achieve.
Why do we self-sabotage?
I hope, from reading this, a little seed of awareness and hope has sparked to life within you.
Self-sabotage is always to do with protecting ourselves and avoiding fear, and when we can see our patterns and behaviours from this lens of perspective, we can begin to understand ourselves with a little more compassion.
Self-sabotage is also something that is always very hidden and potent within us, and there’s not just one - we have many layers of self-sabotage within us that are waiting to be unravelled and released, so we can come back to ourselves, free from the fear that holds us back.
Yet this process always takes time. In my Divine Healing sessions, there is a specific self-sabotage chart that always takes a long time to unwind and process for clients, and that’s completely normal. Yet, it can feel incredibly freeing to bring it up to the surface of our consciousness to be seen and understood, and then let go.
A simple exercise to explore your self-sabotage
For now, here’s a little three-part exercise you can do for yourself to get a little more intimately acquainted with your self-sabotage. This can take 10 to 15 minutes, just take your time and follow your on pace.
Lie down with your eyes closed and take several long, slow and steady breaths in through your nose and out through your month, until you feel grounded and calm in your body.
Next, bring your self-sabotage into your awareness - really take your time to feel it, acknowledge how it’s affecting your life, and let it come out of hiding and up to the surface of your consciousness. Feel any emotions connected with it, notice where in your body they are being held - allow it all to be felt.
Finally, direct this question into the center of yourself ‘what is the purpose of this self-sabotage?’ and allow yourself to sit and allow the answer to come through to you. It might be a word, an image, a memory or an emotion that comes through, there’s no right or wrong way to do this. Just explore what comes through.
If you feel like it, you can keep asking yourself more questions to go deeper into the core of the self-sabotage. Or perhaps take some time to write down what came through. And if you need to be guided through your emotional landscape, here’s another meditation that might be just what you need.
The purpose of this exercise, and all healing, is to get conscious of what’s going on under the surface, because once you do that, you can step out of self-sabotage and into a much more graceful, aligned and empowered state of being that can take you places you could have never imagined.
And if you need any deeper one-to-one support to work through your self-sabotage, you are welcome to explore Divine Healing sessions here.
Further Support & Resources
If you’re navigating emotional challenges or feeling weighed down by old patterns, here are a few gentle ways to support yourself:
Join the next Soul Healing Workshop
Come and explore the deeper emotional patterns, hidden in the Soul Contract, driving your behaviours.Discover your Soul Contract
Gain insight into the hidden patterns shaping your reality, and understand why certain emotional themes keep repeating in your life.Join the next Healing Residency
Experience a shared, guided space for emotional release and support, and connect with others on a similar path.Explore Divine Healing
Work one-to-one to release emotional patterns, trauma, and limiting beliefs, so you can feel more at home in who you are.Stay connected
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Carry on exploring
Exploring the subtle ways self-sabotage shows up through each of the 22 Soul Contract numbers, offering insight into how each number unconsciously holds itself back. By recognising these self-sabotage patterns, you can begin to understand how to move out of your own way.